Case History 11: Will the First Wheel Run Over the First Baby?
Posted: Sunday, January 22, 2012
by Al Case
http://www.alcasebooks.com/
It is 1570 and things aren’t looking too good for those durned Indian savages. First, they go and kill a bunch of Spaniards in Florida, then they kill a bunch of Jesuits in Florida. Maybe it’s Florida that’s the problem?
Anyway, killing or not, the first English child was born in America. The daughter of Ananias and Ellinor Dare, the child is named Virginia. This honors both Queen and colony.
And, you may not have heard of Roanoke, its not on any map, after all, but no matter...it has disappeared. The governor of Roanoke, John White, left the colony, came back, and...oops...where did everybody go? Common opinion is that some of them thar nefarious savages did away with them.
Now, I don’t mean to skip ahead too fast, but the first American play has been staged. Actually, it isn’t an American play, I guess the Americans aren’t sophisticated enough for that kind of thing. It’s a Spanish play called Moros y los Christianos (Moors and Christians), and it is a comedy!
The big news, however, is the discovery of monsters in the new world. These horrific monsters are called Alligators, and engravings show them to be forty or fifty feet long, capable of swallowing a whole Spaniard in one gulp! The only thing scarier than these monsters is the people who hunt them...nekkid savages, nekkid except for horrific tattoos that set them apart as, well, savages!
Not as big news is that America, in a desperate attempt to attain civilization, has invented the wheel! Now that is real progress! The first wagon, actually more of a German farm cart, is being used to haul supplies in the new world.
Now, one might ask why a wagon would be needed in the new world. After all, there’s no real industry, why not just pack whatever you have on the backs of mules and do a little flogging to market, eh? The good reason is that the cart is needed to haul rum!
Now, the rum is being made in Barbados, but all this means is that them ‘Muricans are thinking ahead. After all, once production goes up a little, and once those Barbado-ers get a cheap work force from Africa, there’s going to be money to be made! Perhaps I am getting ahead of the game, but it will be shown that Americans have a love affair with, a predilection for, and a talent for producing and swilling spirits in enormous quantities.
Don’t worry about Cliff Notes, no test on Monday. So you can just zoop over to and read TheDailyNeutron(dot)com.
Anyway, killing or not, the first English child was born in America. The daughter of Ananias and Ellinor Dare, the child is named Virginia. This honors both Queen and colony.
Now, I don’t mean to skip ahead too fast, but the first American play has been staged. Actually, it isn’t an American play, I guess the Americans aren’t sophisticated enough for that kind of thing. It’s a Spanish play called Moros y los Christianos (Moors and Christians), and it is a comedy!
The big news, however, is the discovery of monsters in the new world. These horrific monsters are called Alligators, and engravings show them to be forty or fifty feet long, capable of swallowing a whole Spaniard in one gulp! The only thing scarier than these monsters is the people who hunt them...nekkid savages, nekkid except for horrific tattoos that set them apart as, well, savages!
Not as big news is that America, in a desperate attempt to attain civilization, has invented the wheel! Now that is real progress! The first wagon, actually more of a German farm cart, is being used to haul supplies in the new world.
Now, one might ask why a wagon would be needed in the new world. After all, there’s no real industry, why not just pack whatever you have on the backs of mules and do a little flogging to market, eh? The good reason is that the cart is needed to haul rum!
Now, the rum is being made in Barbados, but all this means is that them ‘Muricans are thinking ahead. After all, once production goes up a little, and once those Barbado-ers get a cheap work force from Africa, there’s going to be money to be made! Perhaps I am getting ahead of the game, but it will be shown that Americans have a love affair with, a predilection for, and a talent for producing and swilling spirits in enormous quantities.
Don’t worry about Cliff Notes, no test on Monday. So you can just zoop over to and read TheDailyNeutron(dot)com.
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